When you start questioning the choices you made in life. When you look back, after spending years building something that you thought you wanted. When you realize that everything you worked for is not exactly what you want anymore. When the outcome doesn’t fit your expectations. What do you do? 

What are you even looking for? Purpose, fulfilment, happiness? 

What if you’re just looking for Loinnir? 

For a long time, it felt like nothing stuck. You know that moment when you’ve tried everything, but life just keeps the door closed. How about: maybe you are just knocking on the wrong door? When you’re so sure about your next step, when you’ve worked hard to reach that door, you’re expecting it to open. If it doesn’t, how do you make sense of this limbo space you find yourself in? I spent my limbo volunteering in Tunisia. There, I booked a ferry passage from Tunis to Palermo. I remember feeling a mix of excitement and apprehension when the ship came into sight. I had this strange, irrational fear that once there was no more land in sight, I would panic. None of this happened. Instead, a connection was made. Hypnotized, I couldn’t take my eyes away from the sea. I fell in love. I spent the entire crossing on the deck; my gaze irresistibly drawn to the ocean, blasting Pink Floyd tunes through my headphones. I felt a sense of freedom I had never experienced before. The absence of land on the horizon wasn't scary; it was exhilarating. This trip revealed one simple truth: the ocean was where I felt most alive. Just like that, a door opened. A door I hadn’t seen before because I was too busy banging on the other one.

When I came back to France, I shoved my life into a tiny car and drove across the country to start fresh on the southwestern coast. Amongst all of my doubts, there was one certainty. I wanted to learn how to surf. I had never tried it before, yet there I was, off to sell ice cream and live by the beach. 

When I signed up for membership at the local surf club, someone asked, “Are you sure? Because once you start surfing, there’s no getting away from it”. I took it as a joke at first, only later did I realize the accuracy of those words. Almost a year after the ferry crossing, I had my first lesson. And I fell. Literally, at first. I fell hard. I wiped out, got smacked by the waves, by the board, by the ocean floor... The sea is not the kind to pick you up – that I had to do myself. But most importantly, I fell in love. I had found my passion; my Loinnir. The ocean humbled me, it made me stronger, it gave me a place to meditate, to heal; a place to go with the flow, to forget everything else. While surfing, I learned what it truly meant to experience the present moment, to look up, and to look beyond.

Many people around me thought I was insane when I first moved to the southwest; “turning your life upside down for a sport you’ve never even tried before?”. But taking this leap of faith was the best decision I could ever make. The fog of my doubts didn’t lift overnight, but slowly, this new lifestyle quieted the noise of our busy society. In this peaceful space, I found myself again. There were fiery sunsets over shimmery waves, sunrises with a warm coffee in hand, quiet moments to the rhythm of the tides. It was there all along, existing behind a door waiting to be opened.

A surf coach once told me “Sometimes you just have to drop the brain and go. Stop overthinking it. Go.” Following this advice led to both great waves and great wipeouts. But here is the thing: You need to try, in order to find out.

I’ve since moved to Ireland to pursue my childhood dream of becoming a writer. I keep surfing, living a life I couldn’t have imagined, even in my wildest dreams. All of this, I owe to surfing. Just yesterday, I was sitting on my board all bundled in my cold-water gear. There was a seal bobbing up and down the waves. Bright sun above; the rich brown cliffs, the emerald grass; everything felt saturated. I kept thinking, life brought me here. A few years back, I would have never believed it.

Here, I’ve been able to put a word on what I found. Loinnir. Think about what you feel; how you feel when you’re doing what you truly love, in a place you adore. Alone with your thoughts or surrounded by your mates. When the sun heats your face, bounces off the surface of the sea and creates a world of shimmer and gold. My heart swells when I catch sight of the ocean. The fog lifts; my mind clears. I feel peace, I feel freedom, I feel joy and excitement.

That’s it. That’s what Loinnir means.

When I caught my very first wave, I didn’t realize how much impact it would have on my life. I often think about the level of surfing I could reach if I had started earlier. But then I think: I was one decision away from never experiencing surfing altogether. I could have brushed over the idea; it could have remained a blurry pipe dream, buried in a corner of my mind.

Sometimes, all it takes is a single moment, an instant where the sun sends millions of sparkles bouncing of the water, causing a slight shift in your vision. Sometimes, all you need is patience and a little quiet, so you can find your Loinnir.